Monday, July 20, 2009

Just Me

I haven't written here in a while. I keep waiting for my blues, my problems, my non-stoicness to go away so I can go back to posting. I'm not satisfied with my Christian walk, the way I'm taking the path of least resistance - and how easy it is to just go into my computer/book/haven room and just shut the door and forget the present reality. I don't belong to a local congregation although I used to travel 40 minutes north to a home Bible study. The traffic at 6:00-6:30pm was horrendous and the drive home at 9:30-10:00 at night became more than I wanted to invest.

I don't invest in relationships or friendships - I just come home from work as fast as I can and love on my cats and birds and go into my haven each day.

My husband - my one friend - thinks it is how I was raised. I was never able to get close to my mother, although I love her and my father very much. Hubby thinks I learned to avoid intimacy because of my childhood experiences.

I hate to be a whiner - and that's what this entire post feels like. Wah wah wah - I'm a loser, I had a bad childhood, I'm depressed - wah wah wah.

Boring, isn't it? Who wants to read this tripe - the one great thing is that I have, pretty much, no readers, so no one will be put to sleep or want to knife themselves repeatedly after reading this stuff.

Other people in the world have SERIOUS problems - not this stuff. But, nonetheless, it is true. I feel like I'm trying to swim in a pool of molasses. I go forward a bit and then fall back more than I went ahead. I'm making no headway, no progress in anything and I'm living on a cliff - one push and I'm over.


Anonymous said...

It is time for you to come north!!!!even for a few days!!! Seriously,
the one thing I have always thought is that you both need fellowship with a Christian family that will give you focus,love direction and accountability. No matter where you go, they will not be perfect because they are the same as you. The blessing is in acceptance of that and allowing them to love you as you accept and love them, just as they are. It is amazing where that love will take the lover and the lovee!!! The only part of Christian doctrine that cannot be compromised is the Lordship of Jesus Christ, His saving grace, the trinity and the foundational literal rock of the bible. Go searching and ask God to direct your path to a community of believers and don't let the excuses deter you. Go and go often! It is in times like this, when you feel most alone that you really need that sense of belonging and community with those who share your faith and will be there to support you. Don't be so picky and that get caught up in the nonsense that men ruin the church. God knew what he was doing when he gave the church to us. Cheryl

Susan Humeston said...

Excellent advice and it is advice that I have been mulling for a while now. I think you are right on the money - it's time to let the Lord lead me to a church. God knows there are a BILLION of them down here, for heaven's sake, to choose from. Thanks!! Both your comments are wonderful and very comforting. And yes, you twerp, of COURSE I love you. I think I'm like a halfway point between Nancy and you. Nancy is as cold hearted as I can imagine. I'm not cold hearted but I don't let people get close to me, so it appears that I am. You are warm and loving - maybe spending summers with Nana gave you an edge that Nancy and I didn't get because we were raised wholely by mom. I never really was able to get close to my own mother - and I kind of just realized that. She only let you get so close and no farther - that's not how the relationship should be between a daughter and a mother.

Anonymous said...

I am glad that you are receptive. I think Nana helped provide me with some normalcy as a child, but the biggest reason I am the way that I am today is because of the loving and the support I have gotten from my extended family up here. They accepted me just as I was, closed in, suspicious, not trusting anyone but oh so wishing for that family of my dreams. Well, God not only gave me that, through His loving family, I also got so much healthier and am well on the road to becoming what He intended for me all along. He healed my relationship with mom and though it will never be on the level of nancy's, that's Ok, I'm not her and I know that I love my mother with all my heart and would do anything for her whther she ever asks or not. It is this family of Christ acting as his hands, eyes and heart that is the main reason for my being who I am today and onward. There is such power in the ministry of the church. this little community of mine is far from perfect, but then again, so am I. If I want to be accepted as I am, warts and all, then I must be ready to accept them as they are. When I first came to that community, I was not ready to allow anyone to get close to me and that has sooooo changed. God has truly given me the desires of my heart and you know that He can do the same for you - if you let Him AND he does it mainly through his people. . . start looking - you may not find it the first time, but like me, when you do find it, you will know and recognize it immediately. I knew what I had found in Clintondale the second I walked through the door for the first time and I knew I'd be back again and again. I also knew that it would not be easy for me to open up and trust and it has been an evolving process, a little at a time. It's like a water fall that begins with the buildup of water after the winter snow begins to melt. As the snow turns to water, the buildup gets bigger and bigger and the waterfall that began with a few errant drips is now a raging cascade of water. That is the buildup of life to the overflowing. Once it overflows what you have received is now ready to be given to others around you. . . .fantastic!!! Cheryl