Right now I'm at work - and I'm having difficulties. First of all, I didn't want to go to work today - it is my late day, so I had time this morning to get interested in doing some projects and then found out I hadn't time to do them. I resent that more than most anything else - the fact that I have to give up what I want and often NEED to accomplish to go put in time somewhere else. Somewhere else where I don't care what happens - the place could burn down and I believe the community would benefit. My feeling this way is from my experiences at this job. I worked very hard for over 10 years and rose up to a certain level. A good level. Two and a half years ago a new boss came in and his secretary wanted all her friends to work for her - so my work life was made a living hell in efforts to get rid of me - they couldn't fire me because I had done a great job. After I was removed from the job I knew how to do, I was placed in a position for which I have no experience or knowledge - and so it continues. I just don't fit where I am now, although everyone is very kind. It seems to be accepted that I won't be of much use to anyone. I AM thankful because in other jobs, I would be out the door - that won't happen here - at least for now.
Today, the difficulty is within myself I know. But the pressure just keeps building. Right now, behind me at a conference table are a bunch of women who are about to have a meeting. They are discussing their retirement plans. One woman has talked about how she won't have to work anymore in a few months - and how they are building their retirement home on property they own in a country place. That is like placing a sword in my side. How I wish we weren't in the financial circumstances we are in. How I wish I didn't have to work. How I wish we didn't live where we do. I've wished these things for years, and as time goes by, the yearning grows deeper and stronger. Most days I am fine - and then a day comes like today. I probably need to just ignore myself and my feelings and just do whatever is physically necessary to get through the day.
Then the ladies talked about diets - and I think how these women are no different than me. The "shoulds" get us all the time and the guilty feelings if we don't do the "shoulds". I listen to them discuss their diets, their eating "sins" and watch as they each compare themselves to the others. The successful ones, the ones to emulate, are the thin ones who are ready to retire.
I'll make it through today, give myself a healthy shake, and try to re-adjust my thinking.