Wednesday, January 9, 2013


Fear is a big part of my life these days.  Fear of ending up like my father, only sooner, with Dementia/Alzheimer's.  I'm always forgetting words in the middle of a sentence and have to come up with a work-around.  As I approach the word, I know it won't come and I look like an idiot, stopping half way through a sentence with a vacuous look on my face...searching for a substitute.
Fear of financial armaggedon.  Suffice it to say we're in trouble and working on a solution, but it is going to hurt. 
I'm overweight, so I'm afraid of:
a.  stroke that DOESN'T kill me
b.  cancer
I drink too much wine - and am fighting with this - and I live in fear of brain damage, liver damage, you name it, God's judgement on me because I keep struggling with this.
I'm afraid of losing my beloved animals, illness of any loved one, worldwide catastrophe, which always seems just on the brink, living in an America I no longer recognize in a city that is mostly foreigners.
I'm afraid of moving to a new place and losing my familiar back yard with all it's flowers and birds and butterflies.  I'm afraid of NOT moving to a new place and staying in this old-house-that-needs-work forever.
I know I need to pray, go to church, connect with people (I'm a BIG time loner and intimacy with people is something I do NOT do well, including family), exercise, lose weight, never touch another glass of anything alcoholic.
And the first thing I want to do when I go home is wait until after dinner and have a drink and the calm and good feeling that it brings. 
I probably need to go to a recovery group at the church I don't attend.........
Writing this helps - somebody else out there just might feel the same or have felt the same......


Cheryl said...

Hey, sweetheart - I'm here. . . hugs, hugs, hugs. Well I am your partner in crime only my fear is hidden beneath anger and frustration that this crazy upside down world just won't do ANYTHING sane anymore. You know I am fat, slowing down, miss words, AARGH! lose my place, forget what I wanted, forget what i was doing. You have spoken the truth to me so often, so it is my turn to speak truth to you. First, you KNOW where and who brings the fear, and he is so adept at piercing us constantly - if we let him in. I know it is hard, but fight back! Get in the word, esp Philipians. Put on your armor EVERY day, first thing in the am - it works!!! When you go home tonight, in your quiet time take a look at the things you've listed here. Are there things that really aren't under your control - you can't change them because THEY'RE not yours??? Give them to God and let them go. The forgetting stuff etc? Most, if not all is just us getting older and NOT dimentia or alzheimers. Give it ALL up turn it over, stay in the word and KNOW )as you have told me endlessly) that GOD IS IN CONTROL AND HE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU. You are feeling overwhelmed right now by consequences, anticipated consequences, waste of time guilt, fear of retribution etc etc etc. What good is it doing you??? NONE. Remember who you are and whose you are. . .Love you!!!

Susan Humeston said...

I needed that. I DID feel better once I wrote it down for some reason. Thank God I don't feel like this ALL the time - only once in a while. Your words are wise and I'm heeding them.

anne said...

Wow. I needed to read this. You don't know me, but we have a lot in common. Wow, again. I bookmarked your site a long time ago, and was perusing bookmarks this evening and clicked on yours. Thank you for writing this - makes me feel not so alone! And I wish you well on your journey. I wish I knew you in real life!

Susan Humeston said...

Anne - I enjoyed your bloggie bio. I looked at your blogs - if you get a chance, bring one (or more, of course) up to date.....I leave mine unattended for months at a time, so I'm a poor example....but I'd love to read more of your writing. I have a tendency to mild depression and melancholy, in addition to feeling things with the power of a sledge hammer. That explains the happy posts interspersed with Gloom and Doom or I'm So Sad posts. It's very nice to meet you and I hope to hear/read more of you.

anne said...

Thank you, Susan! And believe it or not, I have yet two *more* blogs (similarly unattended) out there in the ether too! One of these days I'll try to pull them all together. Writing has always been a form of solace/therapy for me; it would do me good to get back to it. Anyhow, I wish you a good day. Have a lovely weekend, and I will be around! :)