Monday, October 31, 2011

Annoying Obsession

If you've read my previous post, you know about my color/shopping issues.  My next problem is kind of hard to describe. 

For years I've wanted to be a REGULAR Bible reader.  That means a "quiet time" every morning with Bible, notebook and various (colored) writing utensils.

But every morning during the work week I get up at 6AM and I can't keep my eyes open.  On the BEST days, I actually pull out the Bible and get set up.  And then my cat jumps in my lap and knocks things down and my head is lolling backwards as my eyes close inadvertently.  And that was before I had to be at work at 7AM.  I used to doze from 6AM to 7AM in the good old days and then wake up, get dressed and be at work by 8AM.

Those days of missed opportunity are gone.  Forget it now.  As soon as I get up at 6AM I have to GO GO GO to be at work on time.  Unless I suddenly begin to have tons more energy at a much earlier hour, this is not going to the morning anyway.  I'm 55 and I don't think I'm going to suddenly have more energy any time soon.    Also - I can go to bed early and STILL be sleepy in the morning.  It doesn't appear to be a lack of sleep issue.

In the afternoon - I get home at about 3:45 - I'm beat.  I used to have energy when I got home, and sometimes I still do - but if I sit in my chair it is GUARANTEED that I will fall asleep, even while reading a scintillating book.  I sometimes come home and work in the yard or do laundry or cook a great meal (few and far between) and those are the days with lots of energy.  On those same days, if I sat down to read, I'd be asleep in no time. 

So here I am.......not a regular Bible reader and it's about TIME for me to make a change!!  Afternoons are going to have to be the time for now - and I have to make it happen. 

Oh - one more thing.  If the house is a mess, I cannot sit down long or concentrate on what I'm doing (like Bible study) because a voice in my head keeps making me look up and I can barely restrain myself from picking up or straightening this and that - and why bother just doing two small things when the whole house needs to be done.  I think, "I'll just do the dishes." Then I think - "I can sit down and enjoy my reading, study, etc. when I'm finished cleaning."  And then, of course, I give in and clean. Of course, the older I get, when I'm finished cleaning, I'm in physical pain and very tired, with Biofreeze on my achy parts and a heating pad.  Ain't no solid mental work going to be accomplished after physical labor.

This, I think, is the Martha syndrome.  If I could only KEEP it clean - but with 4 cats, 2 birds and a husband, including my own bad habits, it's not been possible so far.

I think maybe I have to tone down my expectations.  I want to do an in depth study, not just read.  I have a tendency to do nothing if I can't do it "right" (by my definition), and that is why I don't just read one chapter.  If I don't prepare and have a plan, I just skim the page and I'm not concentrating.  I'm thinking about the day ahead and I've finished reading and don't remember a thing I read.  Sometimes I'm aware this is happening and I start reading the chapter over, but after 2 sentences, my brain has gone down a rabbit trail again.  Maybe I have a bit of ADD?  Maybe I'm just nuts, but this inability to stick to my resolution to read every day and KNOW what I'm reading is driving me even more nuts. 

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